I don't wanna look like that, oh you make me breakout

Many things have been encircling my mind lately, and most have to do with self-improvement, my own expectations of life, others and myself, and the ability to seize the day more effectively. I have been accused of over-thinking things before--I wouldn't deny that it happens more than with which I am comfortable. Tonight I realized that not only am I a difficult person to please, but it's equally difficult to please myself. Several times per day, something will stimulate and excite me, but I need a worthy follow-up to keep my contentment satiated. I create missions for myself that wouldn't make sense to anyone else, and it only "makes things right" for my mind to handle later. (Even all that was much to digest, for myself included.)

I have been in this arm cast for a little over a couple weeks now. (For those who are not aware, I broke a bone in my wrist in a bicycle accident. A wood piece flipped up into my spokes during an evening work commute, causing me to fly over my handlebars. I broke my entire fall with my left hand...I think--I don't remember the impact at all.) Prior to this burden, I was riding 20 to 32 miles per day for a work commute. I felt healthy, I apparently looked healthy, and the peaceful zen I experienced during each ride was unlike anything I had felt. Now I sleep later, I feel less rested, and my body feels like a scrunched object that constantly needs to be stretched. I can't applaud, daily tasks are more difficult, and I obviously cannot bike or even deliver my repaired bike to my apartment. Realistically, it's not very feasible to even run. Think sweaty cast: ick.

Well, I'm fed up. I so badly want to start running again, craving that personal time to myself and nothing else. My decision today tomorrow in spite of the circumstances was an easy one. That also involved finally attacking something that has bothered me for years: finding a healthy yet filling breakfast option. Thanks to the internet, I found some interesting guides for my mission. Smaller portions, more portions, more sleep, more accountability. Tomorrow's breakfast will be toast with peanut butter and banana slices. I feel that this is exciting journey through trial, in order to avoid spending $5.95 on a Sausage and Egg McMuffin Value Meal. (I can thank the Monopoly promotion for that.)

Oh, and the run. Well, I had plans to run my first 5K next weekend, but it looks like that won't be happening, due to the cast. However, I would like to run *a* race before the weather turns very cold, and this hindrance will not stop me...even though I'm basically running from scratch again. Ursuline Academy's Run for the Lions 5K is on Sunday, November 16, which is about a week-and-a-half away. It falls during the same weekend when Emilie visits, so I'm not sure how thrilled she'd be about it: she's only here for about 2 days.

I plan on following a careful, safe running schedule to achieve whatever race I end up running this fall. I am convinced, based on feedback from virtual associates, that I will be able to run longer and faster in a race than I expect. The 99th Annual Thanksgiving Day Race is a 10K in downtown Cincinnati. My ultimate goal *was* that race. Following the aforementioned theory, I am going to follow a consistent schedule, and by the eve of race day, I will decide if I want to take the plunge.

Finally, on the running topic, I don't feel like I currently know anyone from whom I can find inspiration or common goals. This is why I suppose I have drawn inspiration from running blogs of some truly inspirational people. I *do* feel a bit lonely in my quest, but I know that I'll find satisfaction in my semi-daily runs, no matter how grueling. I absolutely need this, to expel all the bad energy that dwells in me after too much inactivity.

I will say that there is no shortage of inspiration these days. Thank Barack Obama for exhibiting such a heartwarming model for perseverance.

Tomorrow I will post a very triumphant photo of myself in running gear and an awkward arm cast. I *will* run tomorrow!

Discrepancy between performance and expectation

When I was in grade school, from fourth grade to sixth grade, I discovered that I no longer wanted the self-deprecation that came with under-performing. That ethos carried over into my seventh grade year in high school. I managed to get straight A's throughout the year, despite the transition between primary and secondary learning. However, due to more variables than I can began (or choose) to disclose, my performance, self-confidence, and outlook on life deteriorating just a few weeks into my eighth grade year. Retrospectively, I can say that I have been selling myself short since developing a better understanding of my environment and the various functional roles that comprise life as a puzzle.

During this academic quarter, I have assumed a more focused study and work ethic. I am not employed at the moment. I am devoting more time to my studies and keeping up on reading assignments than I ever have before. Due to the nature of summer quarter, I knew from the start that if I didn't follow a specific plan, I was doomed to fail. Each step of the quarter relies so much on the prior steps: there is just no alternative.

I believe I have amazed myself for the first time, and I'm not sure how to take it. The shock I am experiencing is...it's a beautiful thing. There is clearly a discrepancy between how I feel I perform--in relation to my own expectations, high personal standards--and how I actually do perform. These thoughts have been reaffirmed today, especially.

This past Tuesday, I had to two exams on the same day. I cannot even remember the last time I had been in such a situation. Poor performance on one exam (there are three total in each class per three-and-a-half week session) could be very detrimental to my own dreams of success. So I went into both with several hours of studying the night before. I had fallen lax from the more astringent study habits of the first week, which is what can happen went you perform better than you expected: you make cuts to your strategy.

My impression was that I overcompensated for my economics exam (believing that I really did need to better understand concepts), and I underestimated my People and the Environment exam. I was very insistent through dialogue with my friends that my greatest expectation was a grade of barely passing on the latter.

93? Really? That "9" could have very easily read "4", making it a 43. Not the case. I'm somehow still en route to maintaining a top average for this quarter session. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do feel that I am assuming a new stance. It seems that the work has paid off so far somehow.

Keep going, Christian. This feels good. Don't give this feeling up for anything. You've maintained your social relationships (despite the many concessions you've been forced to make), your relationship with your mother remains strong, everything is going very well with Emilie, your health has improved--don't stop. You have always wanted your expectations to lead to equitable output. This is for you.