Friday, July 11, 2008

Discrepancy between performance and expectation

When I was in grade school, from fourth grade to sixth grade, I discovered that I no longer wanted the self-deprecation that came with under-performing. That ethos carried over into my seventh grade year in high school. I managed to get straight A's throughout the year, despite the transition between primary and secondary learning. However, due to more variables than I can began (or choose) to disclose, my performance, self-confidence, and outlook on life deteriorating just a few weeks into my eighth grade year. Retrospectively, I can say that I have been selling myself short since developing a better understanding of my environment and the various functional roles that comprise life as a puzzle.

During this academic quarter, I have assumed a more focused study and work ethic. I am not employed at the moment. I am devoting more time to my studies and keeping up on reading assignments than I ever have before. Due to the nature of summer quarter, I knew from the start that if I didn't follow a specific plan, I was doomed to fail. Each step of the quarter relies so much on the prior steps: there is just no alternative.

I believe I have amazed myself for the first time, and I'm not sure how to take it. The shock I am experiencing's a beautiful thing. There is clearly a discrepancy between how I feel I perform--in relation to my own expectations, high personal standards--and how I actually do perform. These thoughts have been reaffirmed today, especially.

This past Tuesday, I had to two exams on the same day. I cannot even remember the last time I had been in such a situation. Poor performance on one exam (there are three total in each class per three-and-a-half week session) could be very detrimental to my own dreams of success. So I went into both with several hours of studying the night before. I had fallen lax from the more astringent study habits of the first week, which is what can happen went you perform better than you expected: you make cuts to your strategy.

My impression was that I overcompensated for my economics exam (believing that I really did need to better understand concepts), and I underestimated my People and the Environment exam. I was very insistent through dialogue with my friends that my greatest expectation was a grade of barely passing on the latter.

93? Really? That "9" could have very easily read "4", making it a 43. Not the case. I'm somehow still en route to maintaining a top average for this quarter session. I'm not sure what to make of it. I do feel that I am assuming a new stance. It seems that the work has paid off so far somehow.

Keep going, Christian. This feels good. Don't give this feeling up for anything. You've maintained your social relationships (despite the many concessions you've been forced to make), your relationship with your mother remains strong, everything is going very well with Emilie, your health has improved--don't stop. You have always wanted your expectations to lead to equitable output. This is for you.

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